P O P P Y

I used to be able to type out to let out to vent out all my feelings be it here, my diary or my locked space freely. Now everytime I feel like saying something I would have to consider the consequences and think twice. Freedom of speech was so easy in the past. And it was easier when I had someone to talk to, to lend a listening ear when I nedd one, to make effort to show concern. I thank the people who still care who really mean it when they ask 'how are you' and not just asking for the sake of it it means alot to me. I've been thinking a lot nowadays, actually not I've been thinking a lot for a long time with everything I know, hoping to make some sense out of anything, if anything still is. Sometimes I get tired of being happy all the time until it seems like a task to remain that way. Am I not allowed to have days when I'm down, to put down all the baggage I have on me?
I hate it when people take me for a fool I hate it when people treat me like I'm dumb like I don't know a thing at all. I read people very well I'm dead sure I do but not voicing out or displaying out any signs doesn't mean I'm oblivious to everything, I just choose to keep mum because I believe things will change if otherwise. And I really don't need that I have more of others to worry for now. Plus it's not helping that I'm turning 20 in 10days time and still feeling shitty bout my life. I don't blame anyone for it my actions led me here. I wanted to have fun all the time and neglected what was really important- studies. It sucks when asked on my qualifications I'm nowhere impressed with what I have to answer. I've been out working for 3yrs and still all talk that I wanna be studying and yet not doing anything. The only excuse I can find for myself are my circumstances, thou it does not really suffice but it's really not easy being out alone. Where's the help and support when you need it?
I ought to sleep it's 1:38 two weeks of late nights have taken a toll on me and my complexion. I wish this whole life was just a figment of my imagination I'll just wake up and go back to when I was 10.

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